Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you, on the “wanna be so cool” bike! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you.
I saw you turn up that street. What, do I look too steep for your widdle wegs? Is that extra bear claw weighin’ you down? Maybe instead of an extra water bottle you should consider an oxygen tank.
Pssh, don’t let me stop you. I know I’m too much for your spindly lil’ stork-legs to handle. That’s cool… for a WUSS.
Oh, what’s this? Did I upset you? Hey, look, you’re coming back! How cute. What, you think you got what it takes, kid? I’ll have you know there’s been plenty who’ve come before you, and they all go cryin’ home to momma.
Still coming, eh? And picking up speed, too! Oh, you got some stones on ya, I’ll give you that. But do me a favor, just turn back up that little street there and keep rollin’ like you never saw me. It ain’t worth the embarrasement. Really, you’re gonna give your shoes more of a workout up here than your bike from all the walkin’.
Hey. Hey! I’m being serious now. Stop. You don’t know what you’re doing. I’ve been here hundreds of years – wind, rain, hail, big ol’ machines layin’ down asphalt. I’ve faced it all. Thousands upon thousands of cars, and I’M STILL HERE! You got NOTHIN’!
Aw yeah, that’s right! Now you’re up close you can see my greatness. This ain’t just a pretty face. This ain’t no little hill out back. You see that sky behind me? That’s right, I touch THAT.
Oh, you’re starting to climb? It’s on, now! Yeah, that’s right, you feel that grade? You feel that burn startin’ in your quads? It only gets worse from here. Your shoulders, your arms, you’re starting to feel it, ain’t you? Give up, and I promise as you ride away, I won’t laugh… much.
And you’re still comin’! Dude, just quit! You don’t have what it takes. I see it in your face! I got you sweatin’ and you ain’t nearly done. Is that a creak in your bike or your knees? Either way, c’mon, it’s over.
Why aren’t you listening? Oh, you think this turn will save you? HA! Check it, you thought you were done, and you’re only half-way! That’s right, baby! Check out that ridge – kiss it goodbye, cause you ain’t gettin’ closer.
Wait, you’re still pushing. You’re gonna hurt yourself. Enough clownin’. Turn around already. You’re breathin’ way too hard. Even the paramedics don’t wanna come all the way up here to get your sorry ass.
Still wanna roll? A’ight, how about some wind in your face. HA! Suck on that! There it is… I saw you drop a gear. And look another. Aw, it’s over now. You fought the wall, and the wall won, eh? Aw, come on, crack a smile, that was funny!
That’s it. No more playin’. Stop climbing. Hey, I said stop! Don’t you crest that ridge. DON’T YOU CREST THAT RIDGE!
…
Hey, um… you know. We mighta gotten off on the wrong foot, no pun intended. All that before, I was just playin’. No harm meant.
Don’t um… hey, good job, you know? Just don’t go tellin’ anyone. I mean, I got a reputation to keep. People find out, then others will come, it’ll, you know, just get worse.
Look, see that road there? Look at that smooth asphalt, with a nice, even downhill grade. No bumps. I got it all clear for you, enjoy it. I’ll even switch the wind, give you a little boost. Just um… just let’s keep this between us. Okay?
Hey, buddy? You listenin’? Friend? Pal?
~ Mountain [Seismic translation by the Northern California Earthquake Data Center]