After surveying over 300,000 drivers in ten of the cities rated as being the least cycling-friendly cities in the country, researchers spent eight months analyzing the collected data. They concluded the reason for the intense dislike of cyclists by motorists came down to a single emotion: jealousy.
Carefully slowing to a stop, Mr. Diaz dismounted his bike and sure enough, his rear tire was flat. “I couldn’t believe it! I had a flat. I didn’t hit any debris, and I was careful not to ride through glass. I don’t get it.” His bewilderment quickly turned to despair when he realized that his saddle bag was empty, and he was not riding with his team. It turns out his teammates were so helpful on his many rides that he had never needed to change his own flat.
Tens of web denizens sent angry tweets as their weekly dose of the highly-popular “Satirical Tuesday” post from Rolling Blog failed to appear. When asked why the posts were delayed, Xjiard – the enigmatic author of Rolling Blog – stated, “What are you gonna do? The weather’s been nice, so I went riding. If you can’t please everyone, please yourself… wait, that doesn’t sound right. Don’t print that.”
It was difficult to track down fans of the blog for comment on its recent activities, or lack thereof. Most visitors of the blog seemed to arrive there by accident. “I was looking for info on some amateur cycling leagues, and ended up here. But I don’t think there really is a League of Professional Amateur Cyclists. I think he made that up.” said a blog visitor who goes by the internet handle ConCzn7.
For those dedicated few for whom the weekly post was a highlight, their disappointment was obvious. Tweets such as “@Xjiard is slow on keyboard and bike.” and “Take a wrong turn on your way to the laptop? Where’s #SatiricalTuesday?” were much in evidence.
When asked whether Xjiard would issue an apology to his fans for not publishing the Satirical Tuesday post on time, he replied, “I have fans?”
Bike commuting – originally seen as aberrant social behavior in line with activities such as public intoxication and planking – has gone mainstream. With the efforts to build renewable energy infrastructures successfully blocked at every turn, gas prices have risen at an alarming pace. One oil company executive was overheard saying, “It’s simple supply and demand. We have the supply, and we demand more money for it.”
In a move that’s sure to make no waves in the cycling community, the League of Professional Amateur Cyclists (LPAC) has demoted one of its members from “Cyclist” to “Bicycle Rider.”
“This is very uncommon among our members. Usually, it’s ‘Once a cyclist, always a cyclist.’ But something had to be done,” said one of the seven board members of LPAC (speaking on condition of anonymity, of course). The name of this rider: Tony Diaz.
In an effort to increase the popularity of cycling in the United States – especially after the purposefully prolonged Armstrong scandal did nothing to bolster their ad revenues – the International Cycling Union has changed their official acronym from “UCI” to “ICU”, as a way to boost name recognition.
ICU Press Representative Kale Schwartz stated, “Americans are a rather simple people, and we really, really want more of their money. For too long, they’ve been under the impression that the International Cycling Union and the UCI were different organizations. It’s long past time we fixed this.”
“It sounded good at the time,” says the self-proclaimed “weight weenie”, who refused to give his name. After months of buying ever-lighter components in an attempt to build the lightest bike possible, he started removing components that seemed superfluous. “The water bottle cages were the first to go, followed by the handle-bar tape. My friends only stopped riding with me after I removed my brakes, but they just didn’t understand.”
After an unsuccessful intervention by his family and friends, Tony Diaz of Broken Arrow was placed into a rehabilitation program for several weeks. “We just didn’t know what else to do,” says a close friend of the family, who asked to not be named. “He’d go home, say how much his ride hurt, how hard it was, how far he rode. And then, he’d go out and do it again. It had to stop!”
Mr. Diaz didn’t help matters when he tried to explain that this was typical cyclist behavior. “His statements were virtually nonsensical, full of contradictions,” says Dr. John Corto, currently assigned to the Diaz case. “He said that cyclists will ride in sub-freezing weather and hundred+ degree heat. He said they do dozens of miles as races and hundreds of miles as races. He said they ride to eat and they eat to ride. He seemed very confused. If only they had brought him in sooner.”