Category Archives: saTire / Humor

Because logic needs a day off, too.

Cowbell Shortage Pits Ranchers Against Cycling Fans – Rolling News

What this conflict needs is more cowbell.
What this conflict needs is more cowbell.

Rolling News. September 12, 2013.

Mooove over, Bessy. The recent sky-rocketing popularity of cycling combined with international trade issues has left many mid-western regions with an odd problem: a shortage of cowbells.

A staple at any cycling event, cowbells are rung long and loud as riders fly by in road races or finish up a tour ride. “Nothing spurs you on to the finish like a cowbell,” said local amateur racer Scott Richards. “However loud the crowd cheers. However much the sponsors pump up whatever pop-club mix through their speakers, nothing drowns out the cowbells.”

Except perhaps, complaints from Ranchers.  Continue reading Cowbell Shortage Pits Ranchers Against Cycling Fans – Rolling News

Taunting

The mountain... it taunts us. It dares us to be great.
The mountain. It taunts us. It dares us to be great.

Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you, on the “wanna be so cool” bike! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you.

I saw you turn up that street. What, do I look too steep for your widdle wegs? Is that extra bear claw weighin’ you down? Maybe instead of an extra water bottle you should consider an oxygen tank.

Pssh, don’t let me stop you. I know I’m too much for your spindly lil’ stork-legs to handle. That’s cool… for a WUSS.

Oh, what’s this? Did I upset you? Hey, look, you’re coming back! How cute. What, you think you got what it takes, kid? I’ll have you know there’s been plenty who’ve come before you, and they all go cryin’ home to momma.

Continue reading Taunting

Road Biker Admits to Being Cross Rider – Rolling News

"Road? Where we're going, we don't need roads." ~Doc Brown
“Road? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” ~Doc Brown

Rolling News. August 6, 2013.

After years of long, endurance road rides, Thomas “Taquito” Tevador called a meeting with his team, where he admitted to being a cross rider. “It was time. I had to be honest with myself and my teammates. They were mostly supportive,” said Thomas. “Some were a little shocked, and didn’t seem sure how to respond. But I think they’ll come around.”

His parents, Jim and Tasha Tevador, were proud of their son. “We’ve known for a long time,” said Jim. “We noticed little things, like he’d come home with far too much mud on his road bike. Sometimes, when he thought we weren’t watching, he’d switch out his tires to 28C’s.”

“We pretended not to notice,” said Tasha. “He’d tell us when he was ready. We’re very proud of him, no matter where he chooses to ride.”

Continue reading Road Biker Admits to Being Cross Rider – Rolling News

Riders Need to Recover After Recovery Ride – Rolling News

Recovery speed may need to be adjusted.
Recovery speed may need to be adjusted.

Rolling News. July 23, 2013.

After several days of hard training, local riding team 2Fass planned for an easy, 30 mile recovery ride. Fifteen riders set out on a lightly rolling path.

Twenty minutes after their roll-out time, the team was spotted hammering up Mt. Olympus Rd., passing several struggling cars. “I thought something might’ve been wrong,” said Charles “Charger” DeGault. “I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. But it was a recovery ride, so I guessed that maybe I was just tired from all the other days of riding.”

Continue reading Riders Need to Recover After Recovery Ride – Rolling News

Pro Sued for Bone-Breaking High-Five – Rolling News

Several of these fans would end up hospitalized by days end.
Several of these fans ended up in the emergency room.

Rolling News. July 16, 2013.

After dropping the peloton on a hard HC climb, 2Fast-SomeBank-Fiat rider Egon Truquer reached out his hand while hammering past a long line of screaming fans towards the finish line. Unfortunately, the search for congratulatory high-5’s lead to the injury of nine spectators. The alleged injuries include 27 broken fingers, several sprained wrists, a broken jaw, and a broken leg.

“These hot-shot cyclists need to be taken down a peg,” said Daniel Caprice, legal counsel for the injured parties. “They need to know that they’re not above the law.”

Continue reading Pro Sued for Bone-Breaking High-Five – Rolling News

Cycling Declines During Extended Blackout – Rolling News

Dead Weight - No electricity, no use.
Dead Weight – No electricity, no use.

Rolling News. Tuesday, July 2, 2013.

In today’s overly-interconnected, highly-digital society, cycling has followed suit. Perhaps even leads the way. Unfortunately like all electronic-based activities, as goes the power, so goes the participation.

After a series of storms battered the electric grid of this large, mid-west city leaving many without power for weeks, cycling has all but disappeared. “The first few days were okay, and we kept riding as usual. But then my Garmin ran out of juice.” said 28 year old J.C. “I just… didn’t know what to do.”

Continue reading Cycling Declines During Extended Blackout – Rolling News

With New Drug Testing, Good is The New Great – Rolling News

High speed takes a back seat to slow-and-steady... and clean.
High speed takes a back seat to slow-and-steady… and clean.

Rolling News. Thursday, June 20, 2013.

With the recent discovery of a chemical “master key” that allows for the detection of agents in the bloodstream that a person’s body would not naturally produce, drug testing in the sport of cycling has become absolute. No cheating, no mistakes, no tolerance, and – as it turns out – no fans.

As the adoption of the new testing procedures spread, pro cyclists started “losing interest in the sport,” as one acclaimed cycling pro put it. “All the organizers are concerned with are tests, tests, and more tests. What ever happened to good, old fashioned racing?” When asked if they would’ve tested positive under the new testing regime, the unnamed pro cyclist quickly pealed out on his single-speed bike, flying up a startlingly steep hill, leaving the question unanswered.

Continue reading With New Drug Testing, Good is The New Great – Rolling News