Rolling News. December 15th, 2015.
At approximately 7:42 AM, Stuart “Steely” Jones was riding east along Loston Rd. when he was struck from behind. The car – whose make and model are being suppressed by the auto manufacturer while the investigation into the crash continues – didn’t stand a chance.
“I was getting my morning miles in when I heard squealing, and then bam, I felt something hit my trusty steed,” said Jones. By “trusty steed,” Jones is referring to his 63 pound, steel framed, fixed gear bicycle that he rides to train in the off-season. “When I stopped and looked around, I saw this mangled wreckage, and a guy climbing out of what I guess used to be a car.”
Jones was uninjured by the collision, though his bike’s cargo rack was slightly dented.
We spoke with the driver of the 2015 [redacted by our layers] [also redacted by our lawyers] SL in his hospital room. “The sun was in my eyes as I was coming up to the bridge, and I just didn’t see him,” said the driver, 32 year old Bryan Sunger. “I thought I had hit an oncoming car! I mean, why would anyone make a bike out of steel?”
Mr. Sunger, having only recently purchased this vehicle, had chosen it because of it’s high fuel efficiency. A large part of that efficiency comes from extra-light aluminum, carbon fiber, and ceramic construction, as well as a (formerly) aerodynamic profile. “The salesman had me all convinced that this new carbon fiber body is a must-have,” said Sunger. “And it was twice as expensive as their [redacted] @#$% [redacted] model!”
When asked if he would be likely to purchase the same vehicle again, Sunger said, “You kidding me? I’m just going to start riding my bike to work. It’s safer.”