Rolling News. August 26th, 2014.
A new cycling company’s aspiration to build the worlds fastest, most aerodynamic bikes has been put indefinitely on hold by the Federal Aviation Administration.
Known as Project Icarus, this new, cutting edge bike company is the brainchild of several former Boeing and Lockheed Martin employees looking for new rolls in a downsized military economy.
“It was such a natural fit,” said lead designer and engineer James Jordon. “Bikes are using more and more aerospace technology: carbon fiber, titanium alloys, ceramics. We figured, who better to put these things to good use than us? We’ve been tinkering with this stuff for decades.”
“The first prototypes were outrageously fast,” claimed Lis Jentzon, project director. “Acceleration was off the charts. It was like having a motor in the crank, or the greatest tailwind following you wherever you went.”
As Project Icarus started to staff up their fabrication plant in preparation for full-scale production, the FAA decided that their first production bike – the Icarus SOL – no longer qualified as a bicycle. Instead, they claim it is essentially a pedal-powered jet.
Spokesman Eric Gradior of the FAA said, “Though we encourage innovation and hope that the materials and skills developed within the aeronautics industry can be applied to other pursuits, this is clearly an instance where you have to call a spade a spade.”
When asked why the FAA demanded that production be halted, Gradior stated, “It’s simple. You need a license to fly a plane. You need training to fly a plane. They’re building what’s essentially a plane. So, we need to figure out what kind of training and licensing it needs.”
“It’s a bike!” retorted Jentzon. “It’s got a handlebar; it’s got wheels! It’s a [redacted] bike! It just happens to be [redacted] fast and made by aerospace [redacted] engineers! [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]!”
Only time will tell if this new company’s production bike will ever get off the ground.
In related news, the head of the FAA announced her intention to step down from her post and run for a local congressional seat in her home district. Sources close to the campaign indicate a recent influx of funds from the automotive industry. We’ll report more on this story as it develops.