Cyclists Discover Meta-Human Powers – Rolling News

Rolling News. August 12th, 2014.

Faster than a pedestrian. Stronger than a Mini Cooper. Able to leap large cracks in a single bunny-hop.
Faster than a pedestrian. Stronger than a Mini Cooper. Able to leap large cracks in a single bunny-hop.

Cyclists have long been known for their unusual feats – using more oxygen than the average human; eating more than small villages; travelling long distances in a single ride. But now, truly super human attributes are being documented among the cycling population. Scientists speculate that these abilities are manifesting themselves due to the convergence of several factors, including new cycling technologies, larger rider power output, and new supplements which claim to be “all natural.”

“It’s like a science-lab on wheels,” claims Prof. Leus d’Marco. “These cyclists push their bodies beyond anything in history, and we’re finding never-before seen proteins and molecules in their sweat and urine samples. Could be reactions between the embrocation creams, sunscreens, bug sprays, gel packets, electrolyte-infused drinks, and carbon fiber. But in our studies we’re only just scratching the surface of what putting all these random factors together in or on a human body might do.”

Cyclists are starting to take on pseudonyms and costumes to match their new-found abilities. “We’re already wearing spandex,” says one of the new super-cylists, “so it’s not like it’s a stretch. Get it?”

Some of the documented cases include:

Weather Rider: whenever he mounts his bike, mild weather becomes severe. Light clouds become a thunderstorm; a warm day flares up to over 120°; a slight breeze becomes a tornado.

Humidita: able to increase the relative humidity while she is pedaling to the point where the surrounding air becomes unbreathable.

Gradient Gal: the ability to increase the grade of a hill as she rides, turning the road into an impassable wall.

Blinder: this cyborg emits enough light to induce epileptic seizures and confuse local air traffic.

Crosswind Kid: the wind will always come from a direction perpendicular to his line of travel.

Cogito: when riding, Cogito’s IQ increases to immeasurable levels. His attention is turned towards the greater mysteries of the universe, leaving him vulnerable to heavy traffic and dogs.

Graviton: another cyborg, this cyclist carries so much gear on his bike and person as to generate a local gravity well, throwing off pace lines as he passes.

Chewtoy: a time trial specialist, the aerodynamics of his bike generate ultrasonic sound waves that irresistibly attract any dog within a 5 mile radius.

Only time will tell what new and fearful powers will develop as cycling continues to push the very limits of physics and biology.