Rolling News. August 5th, 2014.
After over three months of captivity, cycling and blogging celebrity Tony D. was returned home, unharmed. Tony was taken back in June while changing a flat on an evening ride, and since then there has been only intermittent communications between the abductors and the authorities investigating the case.
Originally demanding $1 million dollars for his return, the kidnappers found that no one was willing to pay that much for a cyclist. “You know how much we’ve been saving on food?” said a family member on condition of anonymity. After three months, the ransom had dropped considerably to $5,000 and some gas money “to make up for all the trips to the grocery store.”
Tony was finally found tied to his bike and gagged, in his front yard with a note on his chest. Below is a copy of the note’s text:
To anyone thinking of abducting a cyclist for ransom: DON’T! We were hoping to make a quick buck, maybe sell off his bike and get some ransom money for his return. But no one would pay! Most of his friends assumed he was just on a really long ride! We tried to sell his bike, and even though it looks new, no one wanted to buy it because the “components were more than three weeks old” they said!
And you just couldn’t get him to shut up about cycling! “Can you put on the Tour?” “Is it time for another snack?” “Are these restraints carbon?” “Is it time to eat?” “How much do these chains weigh?” “Do you have a trainer I can ride?” “When are we going to eat?” “If you shave your head you’ll save 2.3s when running away from the cops.”
We couldn’t take it! NO ransom is worth that. In fact, it took us so much food just to keep him alive that we’ve lost money!
Don’t abduct a cyclist. Just don’t.
When asked for a statement regarding his abduction and subsequent return, Tony said, “I’m happy to be back, and will start blogging again soon. But can I give you a better statement later? I’m three months late for a training ride.”