Rolling News. February 26th, 2013.
In a move that’s sure to make no waves in the cycling community, the League of Professional Amateur Cyclists (LPAC) has demoted one of its members from “Cyclist” to “Bicycle Rider.”
“This is very uncommon among our members. Usually, it’s ‘Once a cyclist, always a cyclist.’ But something had to be done,” said one of the seven board members of LPAC (speaking on condition of anonymity, of course). The name of this rider: Tony Diaz.
As reported back on January 22nd, Mr. Diaz was enrolled into a community outreach program designed to bring cyclists back into the fold of normal society. After completing the three week course, Mr. Diaz was released on his own recognizance. In an effort to prove that this program had no effect, he proceeded to purchase a bike and go for a ride.
That’s when things went wrong. While out on a short cruise, Mr. Diaz rested at a normal gathering place for cyclists. Breathing hard and looking thoroughly exhausted, he was overheard by an LPAC member saying, “I think I’ve had enough for today.”
Aghast, this member approached Mr. Diaz, applying the “Up-the-Ante” test, used to weed out potential non-cyclists. This test is simple: the tester simply suggests adding a number of miles to the current ride that would be impossible to complete, or suggests a ride the next day that would be a minimum of double the distance and elevation gain. Any non-cyclist would readily concede this to be insane, whereas a cyclist would gladly accept.
“I walked up to this poseur, and I asked him ‘Hey, wanna roll with us? We’ve got another 80 miles today.’ And you know what he said? ‘That’s too far.’ I mean, who says that? Not a cyclist.” After hearing this response, the LPAC member immediately reported Mr. Diaz to the appropriate authorities.
What does this demotion mean? The League board member said “Well first off, he is no longer allowed to wear team kits. Professional copies or amateur team jerseys. He has lost the right to wear spandex while riding a bike; only baggy shorts or jeans. Should he choose, he may still wear spandex, as long as it’s not while riding a bike, and does not violate the team kit sanction. Next, any carbon frames or components must be given away or sold within thirty days of this ruling, lest we take further sanctions against him. Last, he can only refer to himself as a bicycle rider, not a cyclist.”
When asked what the difference between the two designations is, the board member fumed and stated “There’s a massive difference! Calling someone a ‘bicycle rider’ conjures up the image of a 10-year-old on a broken down Huffy. Calling someone a cyclist is showing them the respect, admiration, and awe-inspiring wonder that only cyclists can achieve.”
Mr. Diaz has appealed the ruling to the Tribunal of Independent Riding Enthusiasts, but he’s admittedly worried. “I don’t know man. They messed me up in there. I mean, I know cyclists aren’t supposed to say things like that hill’s too big, or that’s too many miles, or maybe we should slow down. But come on! I’ve been off the bike for three weeks. I just blurted it out! I didn’t mean it, really… let’s go roll a century. I know it’s February and still snowing, but who cares! I’ll prove I’m not a ‘bicycle rider.'”
The Tribunal is set to meet next month to hear Mr. Diaz’s case.